Who's tired of all the fighting?
I am!!
I am talking about the bickering that goes on between the children. It mainly occurs amongst the boys.
The scene is the same every time. The little one wants something. The bigger one wants something else. The argument begins. Then the yelling, crying, screaming. Then the punishing and the banishment to the room.
Oh, and I must not forget, in the middle of all this the tattle tale usually makes an appearance.
It usually isn't bad during school days, but on breaks it is inevitable and really unbearable.
This last break was no different. So, Mike and I decided to try something different.
We decided that at 7 and 9 years old it was unreasonable to expect them to be able to handle their conflict on their own. But on the other hand I can't stand the tattle tale-ing.
We called them together and told them that when they felt as if a disagreement was brewing that at the first stirring of these feelings one of them should come and talk to me or Mike.
BUT (here's the catch) they could only use "I" statements. We told them if they came to us and, using "I" statements, told us what was going on, we would help them in their conflict resolution.
We have been doing this for one week and today the boys are being rewarded with extra video game time with daddy, because they had a successful week of not arguing!
I have to admit, they have not mastered the art of the "I" statement. Here is an example of one from last night-
Joshi- "I" am getting frustrated.
Mom- What? (not realizing that we were having a conversation about conflict)
Joshi- "I" am getting frustrated.
Mom- Oh, right, you need help with a problem?
Joshi- Yes, "I" let Seth play with my toy, and now "I" want it back, but..."I" can't get him to give it back to me.
From here I was able to help him resolve the problem without fighting. The key for my boys here is them removing themselves from the situation before it escalates into irrational screaming and fighting. I don't think they are really seeing that they have a part in the disagreement, but it gives them a quick timeout so they can calmly handle it.
And right now they are actually having fun with trying to tell me the problem with the word "I" in it. I think to them it still gives them a feeling like they are telling on the other person, so they are satisfied. It isn't a perfect system and probably needs some tweaking, but hopefully we can train them to handle their difficulties calmly and work things out so there is a win, win situation. Eventually I am hoping, they will be able to handle it without coming and talking to me.
Baby steps.
Don't know if this is going to have any lasting effect, or for how long it will work, but it worked this week.
And a calmer gentler house is always a plus in my book!!
Kristen
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8 comments:
I hope your solution works. I would be interested to know if any long term results (positive) are realized. You may wish to review the results monthly which, of course, would require rather extensive documentation.
It might also be interesting to experiment with having a more disinterested "judge" provide analytical decisions on the final outcome of the disputes. I recommend you may wish to watch some of the "judge" shows on TV (Judy,Brown, Marlyn) to see how they handle the arbitration cases that they oversee.
Otherwise; I wish you lotza luck!
Sounds like you are going about it in a reasonable way-lots of prayer never hurt either. I will be anxious to hear how it all comes out. Hope no one gets mad and pushes their brother into the wall and leaves a butt print. :)
Hey friend!! I read Mikes new blog post and thought I would head over here and check yours out! I always love reading what you have to say! I realize this post was written many weeks ago, and I am wondering how things have progressed? I think the number 9 has much to do with conflict LOL. Been experiencing some of the same lately!!
A few months ago we came up with this solution. We told the girls our home was a refugde. A place where we all could exsist in peace and in support of one another. We told them we felt they were old enough to begin resolving the majority of their conflicts while respecting one another and the peace of our home.
So we suggested when they could not...they could "take it outside" Litteraly!
Now we say "Hit the Deck" and they know what we mean. We began sending the girls out on the deck to discuss or resolve their 'issues'. I think this works for us because one of them is 12 almost 13.
It worked pretty good for the most part. You would be surprised how quickly they come to a compromise or resolution when it is raining or snowing or cold outside! HAHAH
Recently though, I have noticed another step towards their progress. We have a family living with us for the last 4 weeks because of a serious domestic violence incident. The girls have been sharing a room again and because of space spend a lot more time with one another in the same space. I have been amazed at how they have strengthened their relationship just buy having to work together. It seems they perform well in a crisis and under pressure! HA!!
I think the bissest results come from them working together towards a cause!! Trying to stay sain with a MOM, a DAD home and out of work, both girls doing school, Zachary of course whom we have kept since 4 weeks old, A young mother, her two sons 3 and 5, A deveopmentaly diabled 24 year old, and their grandfather....all in this little house. Right now I would do anything to preserve the safe haven of home!! They know it and it is working great!!!!!!!!!!
Miss talking to you.
Loved Mikes new blog post on worship!!
Blessings to you and your precious family!
Love Renee
Hey Ne'!! Thanks for the comments!! I love your idea, you are so creative!!! I miss talking to you to, how can we change that???? I will be in some serious prayer for your situation. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate!
Love you!
I will be sure to let M. know that you commented on his blog post!
K.
Oh, and as far as how things have progressed, we haven't seen a complete elimination in the fighting, but it has decreased significantly. I never expected it to go away completely, but it has made this house a calmer gentler place, so I am happy with the results so far.
I think the key is the calm down factor. But my main goal is for them to realize there are always two sides of every situation, and rarely are you blameless in a situation. I do not want to raise victims, but leaders who are empowered to make changes in their own lives as well as help others around them, through their example.
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