Kinda Deep for a Monday Morning

Two posts in one day? It's like feast or famine on this blog!

Today as I was running, singing, praying, praising (yeah, I'm sure it's a sight to behold, but it's my own personal God time) and I got to thinking about how we, I, praise God.

Until a couple of years ago, I would say I knew how to balance disappointment when I didn't get what I wanted, with still praising God for his greatness, knowledge, power, and goodness.

About 10 years ago, Mike and I went to a Jeremy Camp concert and he told a story about his first wife. How told how much he loved her, how happy they were as a young married couple, and then she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  He told us about her on her sickest days how she would not be able to move, but would raise her hands in praise to God.

I really wanted that kind of a relationship with God.

And thought I had it.

I mean, things hadn't always gone our way, we had experienced job loss, friend loss, moving away from family, money woes, and in all these things we were able to thank God for what He did provide. This isn't to say we weren't confused by the direction, and His method of accomplishing what needed to happen in our lives, but we didn't doubt His decisions were for our ultimate good.

We praised Him.

Then, we lost our friend Todd.  At that moment, nothing seemed to make sense, especially not God's plans.

And, here, I will share not my proudest moment. As his family stood around his hospital bed, singing, as he took his last breaths, I begged for God to please just do a miracle and let Todd live. And as Todd took his last breathe I told God I would never sing to Him again.  Actually, in my head, I was screaming it.

I was mad.

Understandably so. I know God felt my pain, but in those moments of my greatest sadness, instead of balancing my anger with God's majesty, I lowered my arms and told Him He was not worth my praise.

That is hard to admit, and not one of my finest moments, but it's the truth.

It took about two days for me to realize I was completely wrong, and beg for His forgiveness.

Now, I'm not saying that I shouldn't have been- mad, sad, angry, terrified, frustrated, confused- God understands pain, and can handle our feelings, even at their ugliest.  But there is a difference between being mad, sad, angry, terrified, frustrated, and confused, and telling God He is not worthy.

We are quick to say "Praise God!" and "He is Good!" when our loved one lives, or the house doesn't get foreclosed, or our relationships are good, or you do get the promotion, or you don't lose your job, or the test results are in your favor, but what about when the opposite is true?

Do we still think He is good and praise Him when things aren't going our way?

That is the kind of relationship I want to have with the Creator.

So, I'll keep trying.

Kristen